Hi everyone, and thank you for stopping by! We’ve had plenty of discussion, thoughts, and analysis about the ‘Narcissist’ (aka ‘narc’), and there is more yet to come. Today, we’ll be talking about ‘The Narcissist’s World: Welcome to Hypocrisy’. As the title suggests, narcissists are the BEST at holding other people to task (real, OR imagined), accusing others of real or imagined slights, having the expectation of perfection of the other people in their lives, have a million rules for everyone else to follow – yet we learn over time – the narcissist do none of these same things, have none of these same expectations, for themselves. Welcome to HYPOCRISY. Welcome to the world of the narcissist NEVER holding themselves accountable in the same way, never following the rules they demand of others, and demonstrating a hypocritical world of “YOU must do and act as I say, but you must NEVER hold me to the same standard”. Needless to say, having one of ‘these people’ in your life, living under these conditions, is unhealthy, emotionally and mentally draining, and can cause long term negative health issues. *I must also state here while we primarily discuss Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), many of these characteristics would also hold true of other Cluster B personality disorders ie. Borderline, Histrionic, Anti-Social, etc.
“Know someone who lives one way, yet holds everyone else, or even just one person, to a higher/different standard, one they themselves never exhibit? Know someone who expects perfection and holds you to task, while completely denying their own faults and shortcomings? Know someone who is quick to point out ‘what they think you have done wrong’ (remember, much of this is projection; they cast THEIR own issues upon others), yet NEVER own up to their own mistakes? This is a narcissist in a nutshell; the disordered individual casting rules and expectations upon others, while living up to none themselves (unless for an audience, of course).” L.A. Gilliam
In any relationship, friendship, working relationship, etc., there is a standard of behavior expected on both sides. Normal people are able to understand they have rules by which they must abide, understand how to treat others with respect and honor, and for the most part treat others well, without causing harm. This is a social moray found in our daily lives, although it would seem through news coverage and social media, the days of neighbors and strangers treating each other well are few and far between. All in all however, there is just a ‘code’ among humans of do no harm, help where and when you can, and be kind to other human beings. Often in the case of a narcissist however, we only find out TOO LATE that the person upon whom we have placed these very healthy and normal expectations CANNOT uphold their ‘end of the bargain’. In this case, you may be subjected to the ongoing lofty and unreasonable demands of the narcissist, who in turn doesn’t seem to feel ‘honor bound’ to live in the same way they are demanding of you. Enter: Frustration.
Let’s break down some fundamental ‘behind the scenes’ motivation and examples of this narcissistic behavior, as well as a few ‘Survivor Strategies’ for handling such demands:
- In the unbalanced power dynamic the narcissist (narc) will try to employ over you, it will be UP to you to enforce strong boundaries. A narc will often demand daily attention, fawning over, and assistance with every day tasks to ‘help’ them (often it is to alleviate their own responsibilities, shifting those to you, if you allow it). This may look like the expectation of always preparing their meals, or coffee. It may look like requests for assistance in picking out clothes, shoes, ‘what to wear’, etc. This make take the form of running errands on their behalf because they are ‘too busy’ or have a meeting or some other demand on their time. Here’s the thing: The MOMENT you ask for a return ‘favor’, or the moment you ask for assistance, it is highly likely you will be brushed off, your request denied, even if you state it is important to you. This is the narc’s attempt to control your time, actions, while ensuring their needs never go unheeded. It ALSO depletes YOUR wants, needs, and desires; the narc will make it clear those things are NOT important to him/her, but YOU are held accountable for always being available for THEIR requests. What a twisted dynamic and the narc will take, take, take all you allow them to, and then ask for more – while never providing the same courtesies for you…. HYPOCRISY personified. Survivor Strategy: Say ‘NO’. You don’t have to be mean nor rude, but a simple statement of “No”, or “No, I can’t right now”, or “That’s not possible for me” will take care of it. Oh, you can expect some kind of punishment to come your way; the narc may pout at not having their demands met, they may ignore you for a time, they may get angry or even show rage. You MUST learn to say “NO” to narc requests, or eventually you will be so depleted for caring for their requests, that you no longer have energy to take care of yourself. This is one illustration of the imbalance of a narc/abuse relationship.
- A narcissist will demonstrate HYPOCRISY by accusing you of doing what THEY are in fact doing, and while they are at it, will bring in third parties (known as ‘minions’, or ‘flying monkeys’) to smear your name and good reputation and positive regard. Here’s the thing: Narcissists LIVE differently and process the world and people in it DIFFERENTLY. Often their lives are nothing but chaos day in and day out; night in and night out. They process normality as boring, and will create chaos where there wasn’t any – just to feel ALIVE. When they do this and you become their target however – all the blame will be placed upon YOU, and the lies and smear campaign will become part of their HYPOCRISY. They will be so quick to talk behind your back, fabricating 1/2 truths or outright lies altogether, yet NEVER take responsibility for their own part in the issue. They will DENY wrong doing at every turn while painting YOU as the guilty party. They will assume the victim mentality to everyone who will listen (often those with weak boundaries, or who have been ensnared by the narcissist’s web), when in actuality, YOU are the victim. HYPOCRISY; the name of the game with a narc. Survivor Strategy: You may decide at some point to let others know what is happening, or what has happened, however, keep your expectations reasonable. Those ensnared by a narc are likely to be caught in the web of hypocrisy themselves and are unable to recognize it as such. You must disengage from the narcissist, but be ready for punishment and revenge. NARCS CANNOT BE DISMISSED OR REJECTED; THEIR VERY FRAGILE SENSE OF SELF AND SELF-LOATHING CAUSES THEM TO RAGE AND REACT POORLY, AND THEY WILL WANT YOU TO SUFFER for your rejection of them. STAND TALL. Hold your head high. You KNOW you are not the responsible party here, you are NOT the one causing chaos through deceit, lies, manipulation, and triangulation. That ALL falls upon the narc, and it will help greatly to RELEASE any sense of responsibility back to where it belongs: squarely on the shoulders of the very disordered person who is acting in such ways. ANY disengagement from the narcissist, no matter how it happens, is a BLESSING. Trust me on this!
- Rules, conditions, stipulations, and demands of others are part and parcel of the narcissist, yet they will not be reciprocated. Here are some examples of what this may look like: You may be ‘required’ to dress in a certain way (which you might feel like you want to do in order to make the narc happy), yet the narc has no interest in what YOU suggest them in their clothing choices. You may be required to speak to them in a certain way, with a certain tone, using certain words, in an effort to ‘keep the peace’. Meanwhile, they hold themselves to no similar requirement; they are not willing to change THEIR words or tone of voice for YOU. You must do it for them, not the other way around. WELCOME TO HYPOCRISY. Perhaps it has been requested that you become involved in a hobby of theirs, or perhaps ‘help’ with a part time job, or side work of some sort. You on the other hand, upon request of the same courtesy, will be denied. You have rules; the narc has none. You have requirements; the narc has none. You must abide; the narc does not. See how this works? Survivor Strategy: STOP placating the narcissist in your life. You do not have to do one single thing you do not want to do, nor SHOULD you. Reciprocity is one of the greatest blessings of ANY healthy relationship or friendship; you will learn quickly who may have demands for you they are unwilling to reciprocate. Do not stand for this, for if you do it even one or two times, the expectation will be there for you to continue, while your wants and needs go left unmet. HYPOCRISY. Do not allow this in your life. If you do have a narcissist in your life presently, STOP the people-pleasing behavior which leads to that imbalance of power, immediately. Disengage. Make CLEAR, short statements. Remember though, pointing out a narcissist’s faults and lack of reciprocity will give THEM an opportunity to further abuse you… you may choose to just start saying ‘no’, while not giving specific reasons. The narc won’t ACCEPT your reasons; remember – they process the world and those of us in it DIFFERENTLY.
So friends, here we are. ‘The Narcissist’s World: Welcome to Hypocrisy’ gives you a snapshot of some of the inner-workings of a narcissist and how their lives (and those of us connected to them) are touched by imbalance and dysfunction. No healthy person on the planet acts this way. It is NOT normal, it is abusive, and you are so much better skilled and adept to live a healthy life than any narcissist. As always, it is UP to US to ensure our own mental and emotional (and of course physical) safety through the creation and upholding of strong boundaries. A narc WILL retaliate – oh yes, they will. Expect that, and let them go. They are unworthy of any effort you may send their way; they are incapable of change and are much HAPPIER making YOU pay for their misdeeds. That is truly the final hypocrisy; their attempts to cover up their very shallow, self-loathing existence by the extolling of their misdeeds onto their victims. They are such jealous, insecure ‘beings’ who parade their superiority as a supreme cover up; until they are uncovered and outed to the world. Just say ‘NO’ to their hypocrisy. Your life will be so much more PEACEFUL! Best, L.A.